I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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