my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
