Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
