The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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