Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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