my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
