I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
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