i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
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Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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