So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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