I hate your face
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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