I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My legs feel like baby dolphins
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
