i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
