I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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