you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
