oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
