Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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