I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
