The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
