it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
