i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
