I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Randomize