My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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