Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
