dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
