I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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