Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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