i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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