I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
