He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
