I look better un-naked...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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