take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
