I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
