Someone shit on the floor
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
