afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
