Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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