God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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