I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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