Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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