my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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