you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
