I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
