this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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