haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
