I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I didn't shave. On purpose
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
