If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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