So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
