That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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