I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
