you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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