sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
