I can feel you judging me through the phone.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Randomize