can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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