You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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