wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Less talking, more tequila
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
