Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
grandma shit on top of the toilet
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
