this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
